What I Wanted
by Macey-the-Magical
Summary: Bluefur never held everything in after she left her two kits. She never choked back her tears while burying Mosskit. No. She couldn't keep her feelings locked up any longer. She had to let them out, just once... Rated K, but beware of some scariness. R&R!


_Okay you guys! First things first-- I have just finished Bluestar's Prophecy! After I read the part where she leaves her kits at Sunningrocks and buries Mosskit, I felt very... well... sad. I spent the whole night awake, staring at the ceiling wondering "Why the heck am I alive?" It was very dismal. So I wrote this. This is pretty much what COULD have happened if Bluefur had let her emotions run crazy. It's a bit scary. And some of it may be a bit unrealistic, I know, but I wrote it with human words (hair, hands, arms) at first and had to change it up. Sooo yeah. Don't flame me too much._

**If I owned Warriors, Firestar and Spottedleaf wouldn't have even looked at each other, the Three would be Squirrellfight's, Brambleclaw wouldn't be such a freaking JERK and would just forgive Squirrelflight already, and Crowfeather wouldn't be an emotionless zombie. But that's just me, right?**

What I Wanted

I wanted to bawl. I wanted to sob out all my emotions, collapse, pound my paws on the cold, frosted ground, scream. I wanted to—so, so badly—but I could not. I had more lies to tell, much more to do before I could cry the way I longed to. What had possessed me to give them away? What joy could I ever gain from the cold, lonely path that lay in front of me? Everyone would be safe because of this one action, but my heart would be ripped in thousands of bleeding shreds for eternity. I wish they knew what pain, what agony I had gone through to ensure their security, but they would never. No one could ever know what I had done, or I would be ruined, and they would never be safe.

I decided to run. I ran blindly through the dark, cold trees, my numb paws propelling me everywhere and nowhere, looking for _someplace_ where I could sink to the ground and wail for my lost children. If I found a place, I may never know. I don't remember stopping for anything. I don't even think I needed to find it. Why? Because I couldn't wait until it was convenient for me to shriek and wail. Because I was already weeping out my torn soul all over the ground that my freezing paws bolted upon to get away from the very thing I wanted more than anything else. Because I was flailing one of my front paws about in front of me to shield myself from the branches on the snow-burdened trees only to have them smack into my tear-stained, moaning face, leaving scratches that were nothing compared to what I was going through in my head.

Anguish, true anguish that made me want to clutch my chest, shriek and groan horrifically like some mortally wounded creature, anguish stronger than anything I had ever felt and ever would feel was exploding in my skull, each burst more torturous than the last, like a time bomb set on repeat. I thrashed around, tearing at my fur, beating the ground and everything around me with paws that were growing raw and scarred, all the time bawling and screeching my grief to the sky, whose stars glittered coldly, with no compassion for my pain or me.

Finally I had to stagger to a stop. I had exhausted myself with emotion. My eyes were drooping, and I barely had enough strength to drag them open wider to see I was in a familiar clearing. I knew I was safe here, and the misery and anger that had possessed me had melted down to a weak but throbbing ache on my heart that undoubtedly laid in pieces inside of me.

_My children…_ Weren't with me, but were safe. I sighed. They'd be taken care of. Subconsciously I plodded over to a pile of leaves and lay down to sleep away my sorrow. I knew that the ache I felt would always be there, but time heals most everything. And yet, and yet… A small, truly tiny part of my mind in the back of my head where no one (perhaps not even me) will ever clearly see, forever maddened by loss, whimpers and cries for my family to this very day.

_Mm-hm. Well, I hope you guys didn't hate that too bad! It was a bit over the top for Bluestar, since she's always been so put together. Well, feel free to flame now! =D_


End file.
